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Funny Quotes - The Best Way to Beat the Stress

Almost everyone today seems to be stressed out due to their family or their work pressure. While stress cannot really be eliminated, you can still try to negate its effects as much as possible using funny quotes. These quotes bring you a little laughter everyday which would certainly make your day a lot more manageable. Whenever you feel under a lot of pressure, try searching for a few humorous, stupid and silly quotes and read them to yourself. You would instantly feel a lot better about yourself.

Funny Quotes - The Best Way to Beat the Stress

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” - A. A. Milne

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” - Benny Hill

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” - Mark Twain

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!" - Billy Connolly

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” - Charles Wadsworth

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” - Gertrude Stein

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” - Albert Einstein

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” - Ambrose Bierce

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” - Alan Dundes

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” - Albert Camus

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” - Andy Borowitz

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” - Andy Rooney

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” - Ann Landers

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” - Ann Landers

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” - Anton Chekhov

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” - Arthur C. Clarke

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” - Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” - Ashleigh Brilliant

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” - Betty White

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” - Bill Maher

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” - Bill Vaughan

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” - Billy Sunday

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” - Billy Wilder

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - Bob Hope

“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” - Bob Thaves

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” - Bryan White

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” - Caroline Rhea

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” - Charles Lamb

“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” - Charlton Heston

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” - Clarence Darrow

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” - Dale Carnegie

“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” - Unknown 

“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” - Unknown

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” - Dave Barry

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” - Dave Barry

“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.” - Unknown

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” - Dorothy Parker

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” - Abba Eban

“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.” - Unknown

“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?” - Unknown 

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” - Albert Einstein

“If anything can go wrong, it will.” - Murphy’s Laws

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” - Joe Girard

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” - Robert Frost

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” - Maureen Dowd

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”  - Drake

“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.” - Unknown

"Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it." - Unknown

"Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught" - Unknown

"Don’t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse." - Unknown

"When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts." - Unknown

"You sound better with your mouth closed." - Unknown

"Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again." - Unknown

"I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding." - Unknown

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” - Dylan Thomas

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” - Earl Wilson

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” - Edward Abbey

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”- Elbert Hubbard

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” - Emo Philips

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” - George Burns

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” - George Carlin

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” - Groucho Marx

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” - Harry S. Truman

“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” - James Thurber

“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” - Jay Leno

"If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it." - Unknown

"Never break someone’s heart because they have only one inside…break their bones because they have 206 of them." - Unknown

"Not many people can listen to you and survive. I should be getting an award." - Unknown

"People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made." - Unknown 

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” - Lana Turner

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” - Laurence J. Peter

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” - Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“The road to success is always under construction.” - Lily Tomlin

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” - M. Scott Peck

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” - Mae West

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” - Mark Twain

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” - Mark Twain

“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.” - Martha Scott

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